What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 01:18
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
It seems that I am cursed with bad luck. How do I break such a curse?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I waited trembling.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was 9 years of age.
Why are people saying that Taylor Swift is the smartest person on Earth?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She found it foreign!.
He knew the spot.
One cannot live in the past .
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I don,t even have a pension.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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Who then, do I blame.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i do to all so called friends.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Voluptatibus nesciunt enim provident in.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was in good health!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i lived it daily.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She married twice! .
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It was going to be , some day.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were not on the streets..
What did i know ?
Are there any examples of outdated values in the Bible?
She wouldn,t have been !
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I have no regrets .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Put me off passion for life!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We all went to grammer schools
She loved him until the end.
When she asked me how she looked .
I will be 64.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was scared of men, in general
I could never make a relationship work though!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im still living with it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I write beautiful poetry .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So, i spoilt her more .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So whats the point in blame.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was very sick at this time too.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My family never makes their pension either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
All the time i was locked up.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But ive been too sick for many years..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was seconnd youngest,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
This is soul school!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ive learnt so much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I said to her
Would this be the day?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I couldn’t, believe it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My life is so biszare .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it wasn’t much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.